Jul
21
2014
1

Minor Key Monday 55: J.S. Bach – St. John Passion, Herr, unser Herrscher

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk about the greatest piece of music of all time, OF ALL TIME: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
Jul
15
2014
3

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 55: Sortilège – Sortilège (1983)

Sortilege EP Cover

Though France is known for its filthy black metal, you don’t hear as much about more traditional French “heavy metal” bands.  Still, they are out there, and Sortilège is one of the earliest and still the best. Today, I will talk about their legendary debut self-titled EP, one hell of a slab of Gallic heavy metal! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
Jul
14
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 55: The Firemen’s Ball (Milos Forman, 1967)

Firemen's Ball Beauty Contest Swimsuit

Though the human race may be loathe to admit it, the desire to see the world burn is found within the hearts of more than just Batman villains.  Who hasn’t experienced a small illicit thrill of delight at the sight of someone about to fuck up? Maybe we don’t all want to see the city water supply poisoned, but there is something hypnotically enchanting about a good old-fashioned debacle, and the titular ball of today’s film is exactly that.  The plot is basic: a bunch of old dudes throw a ball to honor the retired fire chief while running a raffle and beauty contest.  From that simple setup, things quickly descend into a series of comic disasters that would delight even the most demanding afficionados of chaos. (more…)

Jul
07
2014
11

Mailbag Monday 62: ALL NEW, now with actual reader questions!

Want to have your pressing questions answered by Isley Unruh himself? Send all queries HERE, and I will get to them as soon as I can on a future Mailbag Monday!

The problem with a monthly blog post where I respond to funny google search terms that lead to my website as if they were actual questions is that it naturally sends future google search terms into an imploding cannibalistic death spiral.  Every time I write about “Jocks shitting,” “Best black metal ___ ever,” and “Lord of the Rings slash fiction,” all it does is make me get that many more searches for the same stuff.  The way my google search terms are going right now, in another year or two all I’m going to get for this website is the search “Satanic Legolas/Gimli Poopsex” over and over.

Thus, in order to save everyone from that grim dystopian www.isleyunruh.com Mailbag Monday future, I’m changing things up.  Starting today, rather than answering google searches as though they were actual questions, I will instead answer ACTUAL reader questions as though they were, well, actual questions.

This month I answer the following questions:

  • “How do I compliment someone of the opposite sex without it getting sexual?”
    -Chaddyboy
  • “Hairline question?”
    -Shena

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my [actual] readers’ minds in the last month!

(more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
Jul
02
2014
8

Congratulations to Jessica for submitting www.isleyunruh.com’s 2000th comment!

Hey everyone! It’s another www.isleyunruh.com party!  Once again, this website has hit a comment milestone, and I’m here to congratulate Jessica from www.ablogisatreat.com fame for being the lucky commenter!  [Cue confetti, drumline, break dancers, and giant novelty check] (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Me |
Jul
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – June, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in May.

Stats

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |
Jun
30
2014
6

IO5M 9: The Top Five Parts of Your Food That Should Not Be Used in Your Cooking

Welcome back to my most infrequently occurring Monday feature!  I’m speaking, of course, of Infrequently Occurring Fifth Monday (IO5M), where I come up with a new “top 5″ list on a quad-yearly basis.

Ok, so, I know the Native Americans supposedly used every part of the buffalo, and I know there are starving kids out there that would love to have those end crust pieces you know you secretly just throw away from your bread, but I’m here today to try to curb some of the more extreme examples of culinary conservation that I’ve come across in my time.  After all, this is AMERICA, where recycling is for pussies, our aquifers are for watering our lawns, and, goddamnit, if we want to just go ahead and throw perfectly good food away, we’ll go ahead and do it!

Facetious patriotism aside, every item on today’s infrequently occurring top 5 list is on the list for a reason.  These are not examples of “frivolous waste,” but rather “gross shit that people need to quit cooking with.” So, without further ado, here are the top 5 parts of your food that, seriously, wtf guys, why are you trying to cook with that, throw it away!: (more…)

Jun
23
2014
2

Middle-earth Monday 54: Cirith Ungol

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite www.isleyunruh.com Monday feature! Middle-earth being the land of enchantment and wonder that it is, each month I will use my love of fictional cartography to transport you to another time and place. So, why not take a moment to fill your head full of knowledge that will have no bearing at all on the real world?

This month I discuss an entrance into Mordor that was really more of a cavernous spider-lair than pass proper: (more…)

Jun
16
2014
0

Minor Key Monday 54: Paul Oakenfold – Element 4

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk about one of my first pop music loves, Trance: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
Jun
15
2014
7

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 54: Arghoslent – Incorrigible Bigotry (2002)

One nice thing about the slowly growing infestation of really racist bands in the extreme music underground is that, by and large, they all pretty much objectively suck.  I mean, even that Peste Noire album I covered last month, when it comes right down to it, really kind of blows.  Thus, Arghoslent is the bane of all metalheads who nobly attempt to only listen to music made by artists with whom they share the same ideological beliefs.  This is because, unfortunately, Arghoslent is kind of really pretty goddamn good–they even know how to play their instruments! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
Jun
09
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 54: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Don Siegel, 1956)

Horror films can be frightening for many reasons.  Unstoppable stalkers, cheap jump scares, and over the top gore all have the ability to scare the viewer.  However, none of that is quite as terrifying as Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ chilling idea that, not only have all one’s friends and family been turned into emotionless aliens, but the moment one closes their eyes to go to sleep, their consciousness too might instantly wink out of existence.  From this simple premise (and almost no budget), Don Siegel was able to construct one of the all time great horror films, a film that, to this day, will leave the viewer feeling far more uneasy than any modern torture-porn fodder could ever make them feel. (more…)

Jun
02
2014
1

Mailbag Monday 61

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions! What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with! This month I answer the following questions:

  • D&D meme?
  • Ridiculous black metal cover?
  • Death in june rainbow skull?
  • Gay pride patch?
  • Gayshitonmycock?

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
Jun
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – May, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in May.

Stats

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |
May
26
2014
0

Middle-earth Monday 53: The Blue Mountains

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite www.isleyunruh.com Monday feature! Middle Earth being the place of enchantment and wonder that it is, each month I will use my love of fictional cartography to transport you to another time and place. So why not take a moment to fill your head full of knowledge that will have no bearing at all on the real world?

This month I discuss the eastern border of Beleriand and the western border of Middle-earth. (more…)

May
19
2014
2

Minor Key Monday 53: The Dicks – Dicks Hate the Police

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk about a quite epic and melancholy punk song: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
May
15
2014
0

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 53: Peste Noire – Ballade Cuntre lo Anemi Francor (2009)

One thing I love about black metal is how it takes on different characteristics based on its country of origin.  While all black metal bands work with the same (narrow) set of influences, each black metal producing region has a distinct sound, and France is no exception. Not that there is any specific thing I can put my finger on about the French black metal sound, but today’s album is about as French as prancing around a countryside while eating cheese–or, as a Peste Noire would probably prefer it: slogging through a sewer chugging absinthe. (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Black Metal,Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
May
13
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 53: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (Sergio Leone, 1966)

The good old fashioned “classic” style American western has taken many forms over the years, from revisionist westerns that lost sight of the true meaning of “Christmas” to “Spaghetti” westerns that took the genre down an entirely different dark path. And while revisionist westerns (with a few exceptions) don’t get a lot of love in this blog, I must grudgingly admit that the Italian “Spaghetti” westerns may have just stumbled upon something special.  Today I’ll discuss the best of the bunch, Sergio Leone’s The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,My Favorite Movies |
May
07
2014
3

Battle Vests of the KVLT & TR00 3: My Pop Patch Vest

Looking for custom printed patches but you don’t have access to a high quality print shop?  Contact me HERE, I can make any patch you can think of, just let me know!

Welcome back to Battle Vests of the KVLT and TR00!  Today, in addition to losing my metal card, I will also lose my right to use the words KVLT and TR00 by constructing one of the most unholy abominations of a patch vest the world has ever seen! Or, maybe this vest is so abhorrent to all things KVLT and TR00, that it comes full circle and becomes the most KVLT and TR00 vest of all!  Either way, I made a vest featuring all my favorite female pop artists, and I figured I may as well just go ahead and own that shit by writing today’s post about it. (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: BVotK&T,Music |
May
05
2014
0

Mailbag Monday 60

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions! What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with! This month I answer the following questions:

  • Making black metal pentagram?
  • Nahverteidigungswaffe asl?
  • Harold and kumar go to white castle is my favorite movie?
  • Keep thor in thursday bumper sticker?
  • Wooderson im here jpeg?

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
May
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – April, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in April.

Stats

  • Movies watched – 6
  • Movies that were new to me – 3
  • Movies about gunfighters – 3
  • Monthly Masterpieces – Goldfinger 

(more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |

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