Aug
18
2014
4

Minor Key Monday 56: Mumford and Sons – I Gave You All

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk one of those rare banjo-centered songs that I actually quite like: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
Aug
15
2014
1

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 56: Inquisition – Invoking the Majestic Throne of Satan (2002)

Inquisition Invoking cover

Inquisition is one of those 3rd (4th?) wave black metal bands from the early 2000s that I missed during my half decade break from discovering new music.  Not that they were going to be able to stay off my radar for all that long–after all, their unique approach to black metal really makes them stand out as one of the most creative and interesting bands of the last decade.  Today’s album, Invoking the Majestic Throne of Satan, was the first album of theirs I really got to know, and is still one of their greatest works. (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Black Metal,Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
Aug
11
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 55: Gunga Din (George Stevens, 1939)

Gunga Din Snake Pit Scene

Exotic locales, daring displays of machismo, and high adventure–in addition to being the basic ingredients for a Bond movie, these are also some of my favorite things to watch in non-Bond movies as well.  Unfortunately, most of the time when you combine all those things, your end product might just end up being somewhat problematically racist and/or sexist.  And, everything is going to get especially problematic when you have a movie made in the 1930s that couples those things with a poem by Rudyard Kipling–a poet whose career might be summed up by the joke: “You might be a racist if Arghoslent uses your poetry as the title of one of their albums.”  However, if you look past the cringe inducing imperialism, horrific non-white bodycount, and smug boys will be boys attitude, Gunga Din is one hell of a great adventure film! (more…)

Aug
06
2014
3

An Open Letter to ABC RE: Your so-called ReaLARPy show, The Quest

Everrealm-map-the-quest

Greetings ABC television network.  Eugene Pendergrass here, you may know me from such extraordinarily exasperated open letters as, “An Open Letter to The CW RE: Your imbecilic decision to cancel Arrow,” “An Open Letter to www.isleyunruh.com RE: Your comically inept attempts at fictional cartography,” “An Open Letter to Peter Jackson RE: Restricting The Hobbit to Three Movies,”  “An Open Letter to the New York Times RE: Your woeful lack of fictional fact checking,” “An Open Letter to www.isleyunruh.com RE: Your “reevaluation” of The Lord of the Rings,” “An open letter to www.isleyunruh.com RE: The “Make it Rain” parody video,” “An open letter to Wizards of the Coast RE: D&D 4.0 rules changes,” and “An open letter to Wizards of the Coast RE: Magic 2010 Rules Changes.”

Ah ABC, the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of television networks.  How many times has the thought of writing your network one of my infamous open letters flitted across my fingertips like the tentative, pixelated embrace of a shy, but curious, hentai schoolgirl (of legal age, of course).  It was all I could do to keep my internet rage in check when you squatted down and dropped a steaming brick onto the saran-wrapped face of my beloved Deathlok in Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  And, though the inclusion of the Frozen universe into Once Upon a Time was one cruel, unlubricated thrust too many in the unending anal violation you have wrought upon the land of fairy with that show–I again stayed my hand.  But, your LARP focused reality show (or, as I call it, a ReaLARPy show), The Quest, has misfired so badly that I find myself unable to keep from unleashing, as I have so many times before, the KRAKEN of my internet RAEG. (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Nerd Open Letters |
Aug
04
2014
8

Mailbag Monday 63

Want to have your pressing questions answered by Isley Unruh himself? Send all queries HERE, and I will get to them as soon as I can on a future Mailbag Monday!

Welcome back to Mailbag Monday!  On the first Monday of every month, I take the time from my busy blogging schedule to answer all of my reader’s most pressing questions! Sure, I might have begged, bribed and cajoled my readers into sending me these questions in the first place, but, that still totally counts as reader mail!

This month I answer the following questions:

  • “When playing a board game, is one allowed to sabotage oneself – assuming it is within the rules?”
    -Danny
  • “Minor keys no longer exist…what is now your favorite song?”
    -Brian

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
Aug
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – July, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in July.

Stats

(more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |
Jul
27
2014
0

Middle-earth Monday 55: The Swanfleet

swanfleet map

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite www.isleyunruh.com Monday feature! Middle-earth being the land of enchantment and wonder that it is, each month I will use my love of fictional cartography to transport you to another time and place. So, why not take a moment to fill your head full of knowledge that will have no bearing at all on the real world?

This month I discuss one of the two (along with the Gladden Fields) loveliest swamps in Middle-earth: (more…)

Jul
21
2014
1

Minor Key Monday 55: J.S. Bach – St. John Passion, Herr, unser Herrscher

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk about the greatest piece of music of all time, OF ALL TIME: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
Jul
15
2014
3

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 55: Sortilège – Sortilège (1983)

Sortilege EP Cover

Though France is known for its filthy black metal, you don’t hear as much about more traditional French “heavy metal” bands.  Still, they are out there, and Sortilège is one of the earliest and still the best. Today, I will talk about their legendary debut self-titled EP, one hell of a slab of Gallic heavy metal! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
Jul
14
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 55: The Firemen’s Ball (Milos Forman, 1967)

Firemen's Ball Beauty Contest Swimsuit

Though the human race may be loathe to admit it, the desire to see the world burn is found within the hearts of more than just Batman villains.  Who hasn’t experienced a small illicit thrill of delight at the sight of someone about to fuck up? Maybe we don’t all want to see the city water supply poisoned, but there is something hypnotically enchanting about a good old-fashioned debacle, and the titular ball of today’s film is exactly that.  The plot is basic: a bunch of old dudes throw a ball to honor the retired fire chief while running a raffle and beauty contest.  From that simple setup, things quickly descend into a series of comic disasters that would delight even the most demanding afficionados of chaos. (more…)

Jul
07
2014
11

Mailbag Monday 62: ALL NEW, now with actual reader questions!

Want to have your pressing questions answered by Isley Unruh himself? Send all queries HERE, and I will get to them as soon as I can on a future Mailbag Monday!

The problem with a monthly blog post where I respond to funny google search terms that lead to my website as if they were actual questions is that it naturally sends future google search terms into an imploding cannibalistic death spiral.  Every time I write about “Jocks shitting,” “Best black metal ___ ever,” and “Lord of the Rings slash fiction,” all it does is make me get that many more searches for the same stuff.  The way my google search terms are going right now, in another year or two all I’m going to get for this website is the search “Satanic Legolas/Gimli Poopsex” over and over.

Thus, in order to save everyone from that grim dystopian www.isleyunruh.com Mailbag Monday future, I’m changing things up.  Starting today, rather than answering google searches as though they were actual questions, I will instead answer ACTUAL reader questions as though they were, well, actual questions.

This month I answer the following questions:

  • “How do I compliment someone of the opposite sex without it getting sexual?”
    -Chaddyboy
  • “Hairline question?”
    -Shena

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my [actual] readers’ minds in the last month!

(more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
Jul
02
2014
8

Congratulations to Jessica for submitting www.isleyunruh.com’s 2000th comment!

Hey everyone! It’s another www.isleyunruh.com party!  Once again, this website has hit a comment milestone, and I’m here to congratulate Jessica from www.ablogisatreat.com fame for being the lucky commenter!  [Cue confetti, drumline, break dancers, and giant novelty check] (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Me |
Jul
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – June, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in June.

Stats

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |
Jun
30
2014
6

IO5M 9: The Top Five Parts of Your Food That Should Not Be Used in Your Cooking

Welcome back to my most infrequently occurring Monday feature!  I’m speaking, of course, of Infrequently Occurring Fifth Monday (IO5M), where I come up with a new “top 5″ list on a quad-yearly basis.

Ok, so, I know the Native Americans supposedly used every part of the buffalo, and I know there are starving kids out there that would love to have those end crust pieces you know you secretly just throw away from your bread, but I’m here today to try to curb some of the more extreme examples of culinary conservation that I’ve come across in my time.  After all, this is AMERICA, where recycling is for pussies, our aquifers are for watering our lawns, and, goddamnit, if we want to just go ahead and throw perfectly good food away, we’ll go ahead and do it!

Facetious patriotism aside, every item on today’s infrequently occurring top 5 list is on the list for a reason.  These are not examples of “frivolous waste,” but rather “gross shit that people need to quit cooking with.” So, without further ado, here are the top 5 parts of your food that, seriously, wtf guys, why are you trying to cook with that, throw it away!: (more…)

Jun
23
2014
2

Middle-earth Monday 54: Cirith Ungol

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite www.isleyunruh.com Monday feature! Middle-earth being the land of enchantment and wonder that it is, each month I will use my love of fictional cartography to transport you to another time and place. So, why not take a moment to fill your head full of knowledge that will have no bearing at all on the real world?

This month I discuss an entrance into Mordor that was really more of a cavernous spider-lair than pass proper: (more…)

Jun
16
2014
0

Minor Key Monday 54: Paul Oakenfold – Element 4

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness]

This month on Minor Key Monday I talk about one of my first pop music loves, Trance: (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Minor Key Monday,Monthly Mondays,Music |
Jun
15
2014
7

Mid-month Metal Masterpiece 54: Arghoslent – Incorrigible Bigotry (2002)

One nice thing about the slowly growing infestation of really racist bands in the extreme music underground is that, by and large, they all pretty much objectively suck.  I mean, even that Peste Noire album I covered last month, when it comes right down to it, really kind of blows.  Thus, Arghoslent is the bane of all metalheads who nobly attempt to only listen to music made by artists with whom they share the same ideological beliefs.  This is because, unfortunately, Arghoslent is kind of really pretty goddamn good–they even know how to play their instruments! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece,Music |
Jun
09
2014
0

My Favorite Movies 54: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Don Siegel, 1956)

Horror films can be frightening for many reasons.  Unstoppable stalkers, cheap jump scares, and over the top gore all have the ability to scare the viewer.  However, none of that is quite as terrifying as Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ chilling idea that, not only have all one’s friends and family been turned into emotionless aliens, but the moment one closes their eyes to go to sleep, their consciousness too might instantly wink out of existence.  From this simple premise (and almost no budget), Don Siegel was able to construct one of the all time great horror films, a film that, to this day, will leave the viewer feeling far more uneasy than any modern torture-porn fodder could ever make them feel. (more…)

Jun
02
2014
1

Mailbag Monday 61

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions! What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with! This month I answer the following questions:

  • D&D meme?
  • Ridiculous black metal cover?
  • Death in june rainbow skull?
  • Gay pride patch?
  • Gayshitonmycock?

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month! (more…)

Written by Isley Unruh in: Humor,Mailbag Monday,Monthly Mondays |
Jun
01
2014
0

Monthly Movie Reviews – May, 2014

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in May.

Stats

Written by Isley Unruh in: Cinema,Monthly Movie Reviews |

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