Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!

What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact section of this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!

This time I answer the questions:

• Sad keanu paperfolder?
• 5 digit codes cryptography?
• Ren fest boobs?
• Things i learned watching roadhouse?
• My favorite black metal list?
  

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my reader’s minds in the last month!

Sad keanu paperfolder?

My first instinct was to say “no, sad Keanu is eating, not folding paper”.  But then I took a closer look at the picture.  Something didn’t seem quite right about his hand:

So I decided to fire up my old Esper Photo Analysis plugin in photoshop and see if I could find out a bit more:

After tweaking with the settings and enhancing quadrant 224176 and then rotating the perspective and tracking 45 left I found something very disturbing:

It really puts a whole new spin on the sad Keanu situation (especially in light of the recent ultimate special edition final cut of the original sad Keanu photo with the 2 extra never before seen pixels).  Thus, I think the following caption is fitting:

If you’ve never seen Blade Runner, trust me, all that was totally hilarious and worth it.  And go watch Blade Runner already will you?!

5 digit codes cryptography?

This one is easy.  I mean, there are countless 5 digit codes in cryptography, but my all time favorite is the following:  get a calculator, type in 58008 and then turn it upside down.  Is that not brilliant!!??  I mean, you could do it with 80085, but then you don’t have to turn it upside down and thus it isn’t as secure of a code.  And by turning it upside down you also open yourself up to a hilarious 8 digit variation on my favorite 5 digit code: 55378008.

Ren fest boobs?

Speaking of boobs…it looks like my Renaissance Magazine post continues to bring in the letters.  I was all set to just do another set of pictures of ridiculous cleavage when my friend Rebecca questioned the etymology of the word “boob” and wondered if people even used that word in ye olde tymes.

So I did a little research.  The first potential usage of the word “boob” dates all the way back to the end of the 14th century where the word “bubo” was used to describe the swollen glands of plague sores.  While it is possible that it could have then evolved to describe a swollen pair of breasts, I doubt that was the true origin of the word “boobs”.  However, in 1655 the word “bubbies” (possibly from the Germanic “bubbi”) was definitely used in text to describe “breasts”, thus, I think it’s fair to talk about boobs, even when discussing ren fest times.

Anyway, I figured I’d switch things up and put some pics of shirtless fat dudes in ren fest gear instead of actual “wench boobs”.  But, I was unprepared for the horrors of an unfiltered google image search for “ren fest man boobs” (also, I’d advise against a google image search for priapism.  …don’t ask).  Thus, while I was staring in amazement at the following centaur picture, Rebecca again saved the day and said “why don’t you just put an udder on him?”  So, there you have it, you can blame her for the following:

Udder? Barely knew ‘er!*

*that last joke was all me…in case there was any confusion about who is writing the jokes here.

Things I learned from watching roadhouse?

I don’t know what you learned from watching Road House, but I know I always leave every viewing of that classic a wiser human being.  Still, it had been awhile since I’d seen Road House, so I got a couple dudes (shout out to C-Wolfe and The Hitman!) together with some forties and we Swayze-ed it up.  In addition to learning that Colt 45 only tastes “not that bad” for the first quarter of the 40, we also learned quite a few things about life in general.  And here are the top five:

5. If you played a Road House drinking game where you had to take a drink every time Swayze spin kicked someone…you’d get really drunk.

4. Sam Elliot automatically makes any movie he is in about twice as awesome.  Even without his mustache.

3. There are some situations that can only be solved with an eagle claw strike to the throat.  However, apparently most women seem to view ripping someone’s throat out (also drunks asking them if they want to get “nipple to nipple”) as a “turn-off”.

2. Before kicking someone’s ass for calling your mama a ho, ask yourself a simple question first:  “Is she?”

1. Pain don’t hurt.

Favorite black metal list?

Boy, there are so many black metal lists out there, it’s tough to name a favorite.  But, out of the ones I’ve done myself, my personal favorite remains unpublished.  I am of course speaking of my list of the top five black metal fonts EVAR.  So, here, published for the first time, is my list of the top five most ridiculous black metal fonts in reverse order:

5. Veles – Night on Bare Mountain

I’ve discussed this one before, but I think it bears repeating.  See, 99% of black metal bands use some form of Old English Text MT for the font on their albums.  And Veles really picked a good one for their classic Night on Bare Mountain release…except for the unfortunate fact that all the k’s look like f’s.  To this day I still can’t hear this song without giggling at the title “A Darf Dream”.  I wanted to post more examples of Veles’ “darfness” but unfortunately this tiny clip of the album notes was all that I could post without Veles reminding you of the Polish black metal scene’s inexplicable (considering the history) love of national socialism.

4. Arcturus – Aspera Hiems Symfonia

So, it’s bad enough Arcturus chose a font that looked like it was copied from the back of a religious Hallmark card, but unfortunately it was also legible enough to make the ridiculous high school poetry (that is about as overwrought as their music) completely readable.  Honestly, I thought the dragon poem from Renfest Magazine was better.

3. Mock – Vinterlandet

Little known black metal band Mock made the same mistake Arcturus did by not realizing that the whole curly handwritten font thing doesn’t look all that evil.  Though maybe they just assumed that their choice of font would be offset by typing it out in the insanely brutal ALL CAPS!  Unfortunately, all it did was make the whole thing a ridiculous unreadable mess.   I’ve spent quite a bit of time poring over the words in the above picture, and near as I can make out, it is translated as follows:

RECORDED: IN X-RAY STUDIO (MOSS) NORWAY MAY’94
THIS MCD IS THE LAST RECORDINGS THY CULT NORSE VIKING METALBAND (MOCK) DID! BEFORE SPLITTING UP!!
REST IN THY PAGAN HALLS!
HILL!!!!

Love all the exclamation marks.  As for the final shout of “HILL!!!!” your guess is as good as mine.

2. Arckanum – Kostogher

The thing I love about Arckanum (in addition to their heavy use of owl samples in their music) is that not only did they write pages of lyrics in the most unreadable handwritten epic font ever, they also chose to print half of it in silver ink.  On a grey background.  I hear there are some private contests offering a reward for anyone who can transcribe an entire Arckanum album.  Sadly, no one has even figured out the language yet.

1. Darkthrone – A Blaze in the Northern Sky

Ok, fine, maybe I made this one up.  Still, I really hope there is a black metal band out there somewhere that has made the unforgivable gaffe of using Comic Sans Serif.

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in August.

Stats

• Movies watched – 25
• Movies that were new to me – 21
• Short films to pad my numbers – 2
• Monthly Masterpieces - Rain, All Quiet on the Western Front, City Girl

August 30

• Rain (1929) – Beautiful experimental film that documents a rain storm in a city.  For pure nostalgic recollection of rain storms some of the images were really quite astonishingly breathtaking.

August 29

• Thelonious Monk: Straight, No Chaser (1988) – Really fascinating portrait of a very strange man built around some great black and white footage from the 60s.  I went into the documentary not knowing much at all about Monk, and left with a pretty clear understanding of both the man and what made his music so brilliant…all by being shown and not told I might add.

August 28

• When a Woman Ascends the Stairs (1960) – Though the concept of a “hostess” is probably pretty alien to most western viewers (myself included), this was nonetheless a quite engrossing study of a woman in a man’s world.  The crisp photography and great central performance were just the icing on the cake.

August 26

• Nanook of the North (1922) – Fascinating early documentary of a people from a far off cold place.  My only complaint was that I felt the purpose of the film was undercut a bit by the obvious fabrications and thus my enjoyment was lessened since I wasn’t sure what to accept as truth.

August 23

• Me and My Gal (1932) – A truly unique gem from Raoul Walsh, this film really takes some chances and features scenes that were not to be seen again in film for decades (including the Annie Hall style voice overs and what was possibly the first true “heist” scene).  I don’t have to tell you the direction was snappy (considering Walsh’s track record), but the script proved itself to be no slouch either…a shame this one isn’t easier to get a hold of.

August 22

• The Lamp (1959) -  Simple and somewhat impenetrable short film from Roman Polanski, this was, if nothing else, quite beautifully filmed.  I actually thought it worked better than some of his other short films whose surreality seemed a bit more forced.
• All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) – A definite all time classic war film (with an utterly jaw dropping central battle scene) that managed to have a pretty strong message without totally turning me off.  There were a lot of reasons this worked for me where so many other “message” movies have failed, but the fine performance and uncompromising artistry of its structure were high among them.

August 20

• King of Jazz (1930) – A couple good songs and vaudeville performances couldn’t save this from all the lame songs and lamer “comic” (in the loosest sense of the word) interludes. Also, the great sets really could have used a bit of Berkeley’s flair to make the whole thing come to life–as it was I was checking the clock long before it was over.

August 19

• The Doorway to Hell (1930) – Not a bad early gangster film, though completely overshadowed by the landmark films that would come the following year.  Though, I think my real problem was that the tough guy lead was too much a pretty boy and desperately needed Cagney’s intensity to really sell it.
• Daybreakers (2009) – The narrative was an all over the place mess, but the premise was pretty cool and actually handled well.  Also, the production design and visuals were often pretty creative, enough to keep me entertained through all the obvious political allegory and lulls in the story.

August 17

• The Dawn Patrol (Flight Commander) (1930) – Impressive early Hawks film that tentatively explores the themes of his later Only Angels Have Wings (which, of course, includes many of the same themes he always explores: professionalism and men being men).  The dialog wasn’t quite there, but this was still quite engrossing–and the air battles were very well done (especially when compared to Hell’s Angels insomnia curing flying scenes).
• The Kids are All Right (2010) - It felt a little manufactured and had some possibly dubious politics (lesbians need some “deep dicking” every now and then), but that could just be me knee jerking away from yet another indie darling.  And, honestly, the script was quite funny and the performances were very good (Ruffalo and Moore especially)–I really rather enjoyed it.

August 16

• City Girl (1930) - This really brilliant late period Murnau silent film might not have been quite as poetic as Sunrise, but the more compelling story made it almost as good.  This was by no means “lesser Murnau” (which is the high praise it sounds like), and it really hit its stride during the rural scenes of the second half.

August 13

• Hell’s Heroes (1930) - The story lulled in a few places, and the Christ imagery could have been toned down, but otherwise this was pretty great.  The desert felt as hot as the end of Greed and the imagination apparent in the  film making showed that Wyler knew what he was doing from the beginning.
• Up the River (1930) - Pleasant enough fare about hijinx in the friendliest, most laid back prison ever (where the warden’s daughter routinely plays with the inmates).  Cute stuff, but nothing to really write home about I suppose.

August 12

• Cimmaron (1931) - There were a couple decent scenes, but the episodic storytelling was as stilted as the lead’s performance.  This was a good example of the kind of stagey and unimaginative filmmaking that briefly infected Hollywood with the coming of sound.
• Hell’s Angels (1930) - The dramatic elements where pretty hamfisted while the aerial battles were overlong.  Harlow wasn’t too bad, but otherwise it was a lot to sit through for very little payoff.

August 9

• The Back-up Plan (2010) – As long time readers  have probably figured out, I don’t tend to give bad reviews to romantic comedies, and this one had enough of the good parts of the formula to forgive the execrable soundtrack and frequent lapses into eye rolling territory.  Also, J-Lo was looking good as usual and there were even a few decent laughs (the delivery scene especially was a gory highlight…and gave me a few ideas for Jock Blog 5).
• 12 Rounds (2009) -  The action was decent, though never epic enough and Cena wasn’t as bad as you heard–wooden but not completely lost.  Which is about what you would expect from a movie I would describe as a shittier version of the slightly above average Die Hard 3.

August 8

• Witness for the Prosecution (1957) – It had an air of “trying to hard to be a classic”, but it ended up being basically that anyway.  Dietrich was looking good in her 50s, Laughton was as compelling a screen presence as always and the twist was impressively clever enough to warrant all the “don’t give away the ending” hubbub.

August 6

• Two Lane Blacktop (1971) - As much of a fan of existentialism as I am, I’m starting to suspect that I may not be as much of a fan of existential movies as I like to think.  Though this really distinguished itself as an intriguing, creative movie (even when compared to the high level of American film making that was coming out of the 70s), I still couldn’t help but think that I might not have minded actually seeing the cross country car race of the premise.
• Night Moves (1975) - This movie made fun of Rohmer for being too “arty” but I think it might be the bigger offender.  A lot of good stuff (especially as a character study), but I’m not sure that sacrificing a coherent story really was the best choice–The Big Lebowski did the “PI movie that isn’t a PI movie” thing better I think.

August 5

• Road House (1989) - Really kind of awesome and a lot more fun than an over the top cheesy movie like this should be.  That it doesn’t really have anywhere to go other than the obligatory shootout is too bad, but while it is at its ass kicking, philosophizing, spin-kicking, Sam Elliot peak, it’s really pretty tough to criticize.
• The Big Lebowski (1998) – One of the all time great screenplays, which is made even more impressive when you consider how rambling and ultimately inconsequential the whole thing is.  But, like its main character, the movie abides, and I mean that in the best way possible.

August 3

• Suspicion (1941) - The ending left me confused as to Hitchcock’s intentions for a number of reasons, but overall this was enjoyable enough.  It’s too bad that there weren’t more diretors who took advantage of Grant’s dark edge, he was pretty great in this one.

I’ve been a little unsure about what to do with the Infrequently Occurring 5th Monday (aka “you are lucky I don’t just make it a double Middle Earth Monday”) whenever it crops up.  Things started off well enough with Diminished Fifth Monday, but by the time I started writing stuff like Fifth Alpini Regiment Monday I realized I could probably do better theme-wise.

So today I’m starting a brand new feature for “Infrequently Occuring 5th Monday”: the top five list.  It’s no secret I love lists, so I should be able to sustain a “Top Five Monday” list for quite a while.  It’s also no secret I love John Wayne, so let’s start things off right!

Charisma, screen presence, star power, whatever you want to call it, I doubt anyone would argue that John Wayne had it.  However, because (like Woody Allen) he essentially played the same guy in every movie, Wayne never got a lot of credit as the fine actor he actually was.  So today I’d like to take a look at some of my favorite performances from the Duke.

1. The Searchers (1956)

The Searchers is not my favorite movie/Western/John Wayne movie of all time (though it is certainly a fine film).  However, it does feature what is arguably John Wayne’s finest performance.  Sure, he is the usual “man’s man”, but Ethan Edwards is probably the most complex character he has ever played.  The layers of racism, pride, unrequited love and honor are far more than skin deep and John Wayne really delivers in the performance of a lifetime.  No one else could play that role and make the monument valley locations seem small in comparison.

2. The Shootist (1976)

As you read through my picks it will become increasingly clear what this list really is: “My snobby snub of True Grit”.  But honestly, as enjoyable as his performance can be in True Grit, let’s call it what it really is: scenery chewing mugging.  The Shootist is a far more mature portrayal of a man at the end of his years.  Perhaps you could say that the cancer-ridden Wayne was once again playing himself, but there is no denying the subtlety of his performance.  He had quite a career, and saved one of his finest performances for his last film.

3. Red River (1948)

Wayne’s long time director John Ford famously said after seeing Red River “I never knew that big sonofabitch could act!” And it was true, Wayne had come a long way from his “A man could live there…and a woman…” days.***  Red River, in addition to being of my all time favorite movies ever, also happens to have a real powerhouse of a performance from Wayne.  As near as I can tell, this was as close as he ever came to playing a villain and he did it with style.  And really, name one actor who could deliver that “good beef… for hungry people” speech and not make you laugh!

4. Rio Bravo (1959)

I’ve talked about Rio Bravo in depth before, so I’ll try to be brief here.  Basically this movie stands in for the vast number of John Wayne films where he plays John Wayne.  Effortlessly holding your attention, he is the nucleus of this film and by the sheer force of his will he actually elevates the performances of the lesser actors around him (unlike Brando who was so good he made the other actors pale in comparison).  If Wayne believes Ricky Nelson’s Colorado is a bad mofo, then damnit, so do I.  I’d say it helps that this happens to be one of the greatest films of all time, but that isn’t entirely fair since Wayne’s performance was a big part of that.  The best way to describe his acting in this film is the way his character describes Colorado: “…he’s so good, he doesn’t feel he has to prove it.”

5. Hondo (1953)

The fifth pick here was tough.  I wanted to go with a performance like in The Quiet Man or She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, but I’m not sure to what degree the overly sentimental nature of those films is his fault or the scripts (I’m guessing both).  But then I remembered Hondo.  Sure, it’s another of the usual Wayne performances, but really this one stands out to me.  It seemed a lot more nuanced than usual and is another great example of Wayne doing what he did best.  And what higher praise could I give his Hondo performance other than to point to the quote from The Duke himself after screening the finished film: “I’ll be damned if I’m not the stuff men are made of!”

***I would like to make it clear that I am by no means denegrating Stagecoach, or even his performance in Stagecoach.  It’s just not one of his best performances, that’s all.  But that’s like saying A Tale of Springtime isn’t one of Rohmer’s best Four Seasons movies.  It’s still better than every other movie ever.  And so, for that matter, is Stagecoach.

Welcome back to everyone’s favorite www.isleyunruh.com Monday feature!  Middle Earth being the place of enchantment and wonder that it is, each month I will use my love of fictional cartography to transport you to another time and place.  So why not take a moment to fill your head full of knowledge that will have no bearing  at all on the real world?

This month I’ll be discussing Drúwaith Iaur and its mysterious inhabitants.

‘Nay, nay,’ said Elfhelm, ‘the enemy is on the road not in the hills. You hear the Woses, the Wild Men of the Woods: thus they talk together from afar. They still haunt Drúadan Forest, it is said. Remnants of an older time they be, living few and secretly, wild and wary as the beasts.’

The Woses referred to by “Elfhelm” in the above quote were a strange race of men, stunted and gnarled (or, as Tolkien described them, “short-legged and fat-armed, thick and stumpy”).  At the time of the War of the Ring they were only known to exist in the Drúadan Forest.  However, today we will look at another settlement of Woses, the rocky, deserted region of Drúwaith Iaur (Old Púkel-land) on the peninsula of Andrast.

Drúwaith Iaur was located between the river Isen (and its tributary the Adorn) to the North and the river Lefnui to the East.  Much of the land was covered in rocky, low lying mountains that were an extension of the Ered Nimrais (White Mountains).  The land swept down to the Southwest and ended in the long peninsula of Andrast (Ras Morthil) that seperated the Bay of Belfalas from the Great Sea.

Drúwaith Iaur was a rugged land, far less hospitable to human habitation than the Pinnath Gelin (Green Hills of Gondor) to the immediate East of the river Lefnui.  Thus, except for the western terminus of Gondor’s chain of signal towers, the land was assumed uninhabited by most of the scholars of middle earth.

Yet, as mentioned above, the land was far from uninhabited.  In secret caves throughout the low mountains lived another branch of the mysterious Woses.  The Woses called themselves the Drughu, while the elves called them the Drúedain (singular: Drúadan).  Woses was the name given them by the men of Rohan, though the Rohirrim also used the term Púkel-men.  The orcs called them Oghor-hai, and their poisoned arrows were feared as much as the noontide sun.  No one knows how far back the history of the Drúedain goes; it is even conjectured that they had been responsible for carving the haunted halls of Dunharrow (guarded by the “Púkel-men” statues whose not disimilar likenesses to the Drúedain were probably no coincidence). 

Sometime during the second age, the Púkel-men were driven from the White Mountains by the encroaching settlements of men, and thus, after retreating to the mountains of  Drúwaith Iaur, they all but disappeared from Middle Earth (with the settlement in the Drúadan forest as the noteable exception). 

However, like the people of Ghân-buri-Ghân in the Drúadan forest on the Eastern end of the White Mountains, the Woses of Old Púkel-land found themselves driven into the open during the War of the Ring.  In the aftermath of the Battle of the Fords of Isen, the Drúedain left their hidden homes to dispatch the retreating orcs that had wandered into their land.

Yet, in the aftermath of the War of the Ring, as the Fourth Age (The Age of Man) dawned, the Drúedain of Drúwaith Iaur retreated once more into their hidden caves.  Who knows how long their mysterious people persisted in Old Púkel-land, a throwback race of seemingly primitive wildmen whose ancient history held more secrets than anyone then or now will ever know.

I always have to stop myself when I say I like “all kinds of music”.  Because, honestly, that just isn’t true, there is really only one kind of music I like.  No, not [just] Black Metal, I’m talking about music in a minor key.  I mean, I’m a pretty happy guy, but there is something about sad, sad songs that just does it for me.  I don’t dislike Vivaldi’s “Spring” and “Fall”, but I far prefer “Summer” and “Winter” (guess which seasons he writes in a minor key).  “Satisfaction” is a fine song, but I’d rather listen to “Paint it Black” any day…you get the idea.  Basically, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting [of soul crushing sorrow and sadness].

This month on Minor Key Monday I’ll act like one of those guys who thinks he discovered Johnny Cash:

Johnny Cash had a long career with a lot of great songs.  Though, as is usually the case with even the “good” country, a lot of it was too upbeat for me.  However, when American VI: Ain’t no Grave (a collection of songs that he finished recording just a week before he died at 71) was posthumously released earlier this year I knew I had found my Johnny Cash Minor Key Monday song.  I like “Ring of Fire” as much as the next guy, but American VI‘s title track, “Ain’t no Grave”, is a much darker song.

“Ain’t no Grave” is another minimal, bare bones song (a frequent occurrence on Minor Key Monday), and it is a testament to the  talent of Johnny Cash that the simple arrangement of vocals, guitar and banjo (with “rattling chains” accompaniment) comes across so powerfully.

When I first heard it (on a public radio show) I didn’t know the story behind it.  Cash’s voice was obviously that of an old man, but I didn’t know he was only a week from death (a death that he knew was imminent).  Yet the age in his voice lent a great deal of ballsy authenticity to a song that was all about facing one’s own mortality

I also don’t usually pay close attention to all the lyrics, so on that first listen I missed most of the Christian stuff (which, granted, is about the whole song); thus the repeated chorus gave me the image of a guy who refused to be conquered by Death and was going to punch out of his grave zombie-like and walk the earth in a sort of immortal half-life instead. 

Yeah, I missed the point just a bit.  Or did I?  The vision of heaven in this song (originally written by the Pentecostal “Brother” Claude Ely in 1953) is a lot closer to an extension of earthly life as opposed to the life-denying “let’s get through it and get to the good part” vibe you hear from a lot of the devout.  It is important that the message is not one of ascension, but rather “recension”.

And regardless of my personal feelings on what value there is to a belief in an afterlife, there is an admirably rebellious air to his denial of the power of the grave.  Cash doesn’t hope the grave won’t keep him down, he wishes a motherfuckin’ grave would try to keep him down!

Welcome back to Mid-Month Metal Masterpiece, where I discuss a different classic Thrash, Death, Black or just plain “Heavy” metal album on the 15th of each month. Of course, I’m an old school fellow, so don’t expect to see a lot of stuff post-1996 or so. Each installment will be accompanied by several short sound clips illustrating important sections of the album. Anyway, it was either this or a new Daily Metal Reviews section. Consider yourselves lucky I chose the path of moderation.

This month I’ll discuss Gorgoroth’s 1997 album Under the Sign of Hell.  It’s one of the few black metal albums that can be accurately described as “kick-ass”.

Formed in 1992 (and releasing their first album in 1994), Gorgoroth was a relative latecomer in the Norwegian black metal scene.  And while they never quite achieved the recognition of the big names (Emperor, Immortal, Mayhem, Burzum) that immediately preceded them, they have always been one of my personal favorites.  Their first three albums are all pretty great, but if I had to pick one I would have to say my  personal favorite is their third album, Under the Sign of Hell.  The “Donald Duck” vocals and occasional draggy parts of their debut album Pentagram knock it down a few notches, while their second album, Antichrist, is more of an ep with a couple awesome songs rather than a fully coherent album.  Under the Sign of Hell on the other hand delivers one uncommonly catchy black metal anthem after another without a single subpar song.

Under the Sign of Hell starts off with a bang:

From that wild opening riff you immediately know Gorgoroth is back in furious form.  This isn’t another sissy black metal album full of “symphonic” keyboards and acoustic interludes, Under the Sign of Hell is the real deal.  Yet Gorgoroth was never just about speed, like all black metal, melody was the actual backbone of their music.  Though almost every black metal band constructed their songs out of flowing streams of melody, Gorgoroth always seemed to me to be the most pure example of this:

If you had to pick one thing (along with the shrieking vocals) that defines black metal as a genre, the tremolo picked melody of a passage like that would be it.

And yet, Gorgoroth was also quite “metal”, more so than most black metal bands, as their old school “The Rite of Infernal Invocation” proves:

Listening to tracks like that gives a bit of credence to those who claim black metal started with the NWOBHM influenced underground bands of the 80s.

Like I said, there are no keyboards on a Gorgoroth album, their style of pure raw black metal needed only guitars, tortured vocals and the clattering drum assault that you hear in these samples (no true black metal band will have an audible bass player).  This is not to say that they are a one note band, there is a fair amount of variation (for black metal) on Under the Sign of Hell.  Nice slower melodic sections morph into more typical tremolo picked sections like this clip from Funeral Procession:

Gorgoroth also mixes things up with a return to the clean vocals of the standout track, “Gorgoroth”, from their previous album (Antichrist) as you can hear here in this clip from “Profetens Åpenbaring”:

This is the same clip I used from Mailbag Monday 12 of course, but that hilariously epic opening yell followed by the viking-esque vocals over that awesome rif bears reposting.

While I wouldn’t call Gorgoroth’s music groundbreaking,  it was undeniably catchy.  Just listen to this clip from “Ødeleggelse og Undergang”:

A hundred other black metal bands have probably written songs with similar riffs.  But only Gorgoroth makes me want to bang my head in epic appreciation.  Even when I’m in my car at a stoplight and I think someone might be watching.

Welcome back to Internet Meme Monday!  What is a meme you say?  Well, as I understand it, a meme is similar to a gene, except instead of passing on genetic information it passes on cultural ideas.  A meme can take many forms, from a catch phrase to a hand gesture, but the type of memes I’ll be looking at every second Monday of the month are “internet memes”.

On the agenda this month?  I take a look at how everyone’s favorite Wyld Stallyn having a sad day somehow turned into the new hot meme of the summer!

The “Sad Keanu” meme started with the following paparazzi photo of Keanu Reeves:

So sad!

Anyway, on June 3rd (2010), reddit user rockonforlife posted a humorously captioned versionof the picture (along with a similar picture of Keanu eating his sandwich) and the meme took  off from there.  Of course, you can read all that on www.knowyourmeme.comlike I just did.  What is important is that there have been a lot of funny pictures posted online that insert sad Keanu into amusingly apropos situations.

So today I decided to try my hand at the meme.  I figured I would see what would have happened if Sad Keanu had been a part of a select few classic youtube videos.  If you missed any of these videos the first time around, just click on the picture, it will open up a link to the youtube video that inspired it:

Greatest freakout ever

I’m pretty sure the original video is faked, but either way, it’s an impressive remote up the ass freakout.  Keanu doesn’t lose control like that though.  He just sadly contemplates all those (now) wasted hours he put into that level 80 night elf priest.

Charlie bit me – again!

“Charlie bit me – again !” is one of those classic youtube videos that appeals to email forwarding grandmas and scat forwarding 4chan users alike.  Some kid bites his brother’s finger and the hilarity ensues.  It’s awesome, check it out if it’s been a while.  Anyway, Keanu tried his luck with the steel trap of Charlie’s mouth.  He didn’t scream, but it did make him sad.

Charlie bit me – again! (redux)

What people always forget, is sometimes Sad Keanu quits being sad and fights back.  Bite his finger?  He’ll bite yours!

Techno Viking

The “Techno Viking” is some shirtless, ripped, E’d up, Norse dude who seems to spontaneously create an entire parade from the thin air of a German techno-fest.  Of course, before he busts out his dance moves, he first asserts his dominance over some dude who pushed a lady out of the way.  In this version, he banishes Keanu for his refusal to dance.

Fat Kid on a Roller Coaster.

Yes, the title is mean, and yes you feel bad for laughing at this video and yes, you do worry for the kid’s safety.  But it’s also kind of hilarious.  Of course, Keanu doesn’t find it all that amusing.   Apparently he doesn’t even like roller coasters, let alone laughing uncontrollably at a child who is about to fall to his death.

Lightning Bolt!

Making fun of LARPers (Live Action Role Players) is like shooting fish in a barrel.  But, this video takes the cake.  I mean just look at that kilt dude throwing his tennis ball lightning bolts.  It’s probably safe to say that LARPing doesn’t get more ridiculous than this–not to mention there is no way that dude had access to that many lightning bolts at his level.

Anyway, I’d be sad too if some dork in a dress wouldn’t quit throwing tennis balls at my head.

Double Rainbow

This double rainbow video is a fairly new one, but it can stand with the cream of the youtube crop.  Basically  just some dude on strong acid having a three minute pants jizzing over a double rainbow.  Can you imagine what would have happened had he seen a “Double Keanu” (almost a “Triple Keanu”) instead?  What does it all mean indeed.

Monkey Pees in its own mouth.

I once knew a guy who would break into uncontrolled paroxysms of laughter at the mere mention of this video.  It’s not actually quite that hilarious, more just kind of gross, but changing the monkey to Sad Keanu helps with “teh funny”.

Worst Wedding DJ EVER

This Youtube classic features a most likely drunk wedding DJ performing a 10 slap combo hit on [his wife's?] boobs.  The look of grim acceptance on her face says that she had been there before.  It is actually quite similar to the look on Sad Keanu’s face as he prepares to take his own ten slap combo to the nuts.

Let’s dump water on a dead pig with maggots.

A while back I posted a detailed examination of the short film ”Let’s dump water on a dead pig with maggots”.  At the time I drew attention to the existentially depressing nature of the video.  Well, if you thought the original was a bummer, take a look at the Keanufied version.  Keanu is totally sad and what is good ol’ Jack Dickson going to do?  Dump a big ol’ bucket of water on him.  And Keanu is just going to sit there at take it.  Just wait till he finds out what he’s been sitting on…then he’ll really be sad.

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!

What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact section of this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!

This time I answer the questions:

• “Common western themes”?
• What’s a good romantic comedy with a good looking boy?
• “Minor Key” haunting soul?
• How many calories in plain unfilled burritos?
• Does Gimli fart in the movie lotr?

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my reader’s minds in the last month!

“Common western themes”?

There are all kinds of common western themes out there, so to provide a bit of focus to my answer I figured I’d focus on the theme of “guns=dongs”.  No, I’m not joking, the western hero’s handgun was both a death dealing weapon and a big ol’ penis substitute at the same time.  Don’t believe me?  Just check out this clip from Sam Fuller’s brilliant 1957 western Forty Guns:

Of course, a closely related theme to “guns=dongs” is “westerns=gay”.  I’m not talking fairies and rainbows gay, just, you know, a manly ass slapping kind of gay.  Take a look at this scene from Howard Hawk’s superlative 1948 western Red River to see what I’m talking about:

Or maybe I’m misreading that scene and they just wanted to try out each other’s guns.

Whats a good romantic comedy movie with a good looking boy?

Wow, that is a hard one.  My first instinct was to say Leap Year.  I mean, that Mathew Goode dude was way hotter than he was in Watchmen--growing a scruffy beard really helped butch him up.  But you said a “good” romantic comedy, and I must admit I was rather disappointed with Leap Year.  I thought The Proposal and 27 Dresses were decent as far as recent fare goes, but Ryan Reynold’s eyes are too close together (though props on that bod!) and James Marsden kind of looks like a douchy fratboy.  Next I thought maybe something with Mathew McConaughey was what I was looking for, but then I realized that he was never as hot as he was in Dazed and Confused, and his romantic comedies aren’t really my favorites anyway.  Finally, I realized that I just wasn’t going back far enough.  Going back a bit further, I realized the obvious answer was Ten Things I Hate About You.  It’s pretty awesome, and I don’t care how straight you say you are, it’s probably gonna at least move a little bit when Heath Ledger first comes on screen.  Just do what I do and pretend it was because of Julia Stiles.  Because she’d also make a good second choice for cell mate if you had to pick one from that movie.

And here you thought that Red River clip from the previous question was going to be the gayest thing about Mailbag Monday today.

“Minor key” haunting soul?

Yeah, my diet of nothing but minor key music has started really get to me too.  Especially whenever I hear certain songs.  For, instance, ever since I heard this song:

…my soul has been haunted with the urge to, well, just dance!  I hope I’m gonna be ok.

How many calories in plain unfilled burritos?

I had to run check my package of Mission multigrain medium flour tortillas to be sure, but it looks like if you made a “plain” burrito out of one of them without any fillings you would have 150 calories for the shell (35 of which are from fat), and, if my calculations are correct that should be about it.  And while that seems a lot better than the amount of calories you would find in a typical “filled” burrito, don’t forget the light food pitfall that so many of us fall into: just because your unfilled burrito only has 150 calories doesn’t mean that you can go ahead an eat 20 of them in one sitting.  Sometimes, as counter intuitive as it seems, you would be better off eating filled burritos, just fewer of them.

Does gimli fart in the movie lotr?

I was going to give you a big no on this…but then I found the following deleted scene:

It almost made it to the final cut, but test audiences reacted negatively.  Apparently most of the comment cards indicated that it undercut the grave majesty of the Fui ‘Ngorthrim.

Here are some two sentence reviews of the movies I watched in July.

Stats

• Movies watched – 34
• Movies that were new to me – 30
• Walter Hill movies – 4
• Monthly Masterpieces - Strangers on a Train

July 31

• The Book of Eli (2010) – Pretty good post apocalyptic visuals sporadically interrupted by stupid kung fu fights and shootouts.  Unfortunately the decent premise was almost completely unexplored and ended up being wasted in (what was to me) a thoroughly depressing ending.

July 30

• The Quick and the Dead (1995) – A simple and done to death premise, but a good one, and with a nice Western twist.  The characters had a good time chewing the scenery, there were plenty of amusing visuals and the whole thing was really pretty damn entertaining.

July 29

• Black Sunday (1960) -  A complete triumph of atmosphere and cinematography, the visuals really were something to see.  And the movie itself wasn’t half bad either!
• C.S.A. (2004) -  I felt like the overly broad Saturday Night Live style commercials were out of place next to the (more effective) parts of the film that played it straight.  It was also pervaded by an air of didactic condescension (starting with the opening quote), but this kind of “message” movie was never my thing, so take that with a grain of salt.
• Shutter Island (2010) – The nice dark images of the mental institution island and Scorsese’s usual visceral editing really elevated this above the usual Hollywood fare.  Still, it felt like a film that was trying to stretch an already overbloated premise about 45 minutes too long.
• The Housemaid (1960) – Deliciously over the top (and misanthropic) melodrama about a man who lets one moment of weakness with the demonic women he is surrounded by destroy his life.  Almost risibly overblown, but created with such a master’s touch that you can’t help but be wildly entertained the entire time anyway.

July 27

• Aliens (1986) – Classic action movie that took its siege premise from Hawk’s Rio Bravo and The Thing.  It was dumbed down and machoed up for the blockbuster crowd of course, but it was still pretty thrilling (and got bonus points for including a “child in distress” character that you somehow didn’t want to strangle).

July 25

• Inception (2010) – I don’t know that it’s fair to criticize this film for how “undreamlike” its dreams were, since “dreams” were really just an excuse for a few zero gravity/fractured narrative set pieces.  It was overlong (with a few too many protracted gunfights) and occasionally labored in its setups, but overall quite entertaining if you don’t expect too much out of it.

July 24

• Eastern Promises (2007) - Something about Cronenberg doesn’t quite gel with me–maybe it is the almost Lynchian(or that could just be Watts channelling her Mulholland Drive performance) surreality of his scenes depicting “normal life” that end up seeming just a little off.  Still that is just nitpicking and this really was a pretty great movie; wonderfully photographed and with an especially brilliant performance by Viggo (not to mention the fight scene to end all fight scenes).
• Strangers on a Train (1951) – One of Hitchcock’s best, with enough brilliant set pieces to fill twice as many normal movies.  The merry go round finale alone was one of the finest pieces of cinema I’ve ever seen.

July 23

• The Fountainhead (1949) – If you thought Rand’s prose was already intelligence insultingly didactic, just wait till you hear her stuff spoken out loud in a movie.  Scattered nice moments and images but overall about as infuriatingly self righteous as you would expect…also I’m starting to think I’m not much of a fan of Gary Cooper’s acting.

July 22

• The Stranger (1946) - It says something about the quality of Welles’ work that many consider this great movie his “worst” film.  Hitchcock’s Shadow of a Doubt might beat this for psycological complexity, performances and suspense, but as a piece of creative filmmaking The Stranger wins hands down.

July 19

• Papillion (1973) - Pretty well done and with nice performances from McQueen and Hoffman, but, like The ShawshankRedemption, it was a revolting enough experience that I don’t see myself willingly watching this again anytime soon.  Of course, as far as prison escape movies go, I haven’t seen much that I’d really rave about aside from Le Trou, Brute Force and maybe a few others.

July 18

• Hollywood Ending (2002) – Woody’s “late funny stuff” is mostly just broadly stupid as opposed to his “early funny stuff” which was broadly stupid *and* brilliant.  Still, Woody’s character was as oddly lovable as ever, enough that you don’t mind forgiving him a few too many obvious jokes.

July 15

• Planet Terror (2007)- As if I needed any more proof that Robert Rodriguez is a hack, this amateurish (it might have been the point, but he made” looking amateurish” look amateurish), staggeringly stupid film whose machine gun leg pièce de résistance even ended up being a disappointment drove the final nail in that coffin.  It makes me suspect that Grindhousedidn’tfail because audiences weren’t ready for a 4 hour double feature, but rather because both the movies were shit.

July 12

• Extreme Prejudice (1987) - Half was a team of professionals doing a job, half was Nolte being angry and vainly attempting to get you to root for him.  Good action, but Nolte playing the most unlikeable protagonist ever (in a long string of unlikeable protagonists) really sunk this one.
• The Professionals (1966) - Good cast, sharp dialog and a nice Hawksian premise made this one a lot of fun.  But hell, I would have recommended it anyway just for Claudia Cardinale.

July 11

• Stork Mad (1926) – Pretty unimpressive silent comedy about a couple adopting a baby.  I only smiled a few times–I think the problem (aside from a lazy script) was that the lead couldn’t pull off stupidity without just seeming stupid.
• A Girl in Every Port (1928) – Really awesome Hawks film about the importance of keeping bros before hos…even if that ho is the amazing Louise Brooks.  Hawks always walked a thin line between manly and kind of gay, and this was no exception to that as it had more near dude-kisses than the end of The Lord of the Rings.
• The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - Nicely done, if a bit simplistic (war bad!) sci fi message movie. Overall, the most interesting part was the alien among the humans bit in the middle, and even that was a a bit too obvious to really hold my interest.

July 9

• Frankenstein (1931) – Another of Whale’s great horror films, this really stood up well 80 years after its release.  Karloff did wonders with only a few grunts, and the atmosphere was perfectly suited to the grim story.
• The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) - I’m not sure what to think about this bizarre mixture of humor, horror, and compelling pathos.  I think the toned down humor of The Old Dark House would have been more suited, but overall it was quite brilliant (the final brief appearance of “The Bride” was totally worth it too).
• Silver Lode (1954) – Another “bad town” western like High Noon, yet it came off a tad less righteous and a bit more psychologically interesting.  I still think the obvious anti-McCarthy ”message” (the antagonist was even named “McCarty”) was laid on too thick, but there was still a lot of movie to be enjoyed past that.
• The Magnificent Seven (1960) – Even though the story was as old as they come this one was still a lot of fun, mostly due to the great cast and nice direction.  I still don’t know how I feel about straight up remakes like this (especially since I have no problem with adaptations), but that is only a minor complaint about a pretty enjoyable movie.
• Southern Comfort (1981) – A group of dudes in the middle of nowhere being picked off by an unstoppable foe is as old of a story as gunmen protecting innocent townsfolk.  Still, Hill does a good job and this was worth checking out if that is your kind of thing.

July 8

• The Letter (1940) - Davis and Wyler do what they do best in this gem from the good ol’ days.  It’s just too bad they ended it the way they did, it would have been a lot more powerful had they taken a different approach.
• The Driver (1978) – Possibly even better than Hill’s followup, The Warriors, and the closest any American film has come to matching the existentially doomed atmosphere Melville’s crime films.  The car chases were superb and Ryan O’Neil played a surprisingly convincing Melvillian hero.

July 6

• The Last Boyscout (1991) – I remember the few boys in my 6th grade class that saw this when it came out did nothing but talk about how awesome it was.  As an adult, I have just enough 11 year old still in me to somewhat enjoy it, but it was still pretty fucking juvenile…and rather mean spirited too.
• Last Man Standing (1996) – I’ve always been a little iffy about remakes that add nothing except a setting change to the original, so this felt even more “been there, done that” than usual for a genre movie.  Still, Hill and Willis know what they are doing, and there were enough ridiculous gunfights to keep you at least entertained for most of the film.

July 5

• Toy Story 2 (1999) - The Toy Story movies all seem to have about the same basic plot, but I figure that’s ok–the “toy gets captured leading to epic jailbreak” thing is pretty entertaining.  I felt like I liked 3 a bit better, but maybe it was just because even at only 10 years old the animation seemed a little rough in this installment.

July 4

• Victory through Airpower (1943) - Straight up propaganda, which would have been fine, but it twisted the facts to support its “importance of airpower” message and thus invalidated every other claim it made.  Also, I’m unsure who the target audience was since the 3 year old I watched it with couldn’t seem to grasp (thankfully) the concept of strategic bombing.
• The Black Cat (1934) - A very bizarre film that seemed to primarily exist to put Karloff and Legosi on screen together.  There were a lot of nice touches, but it paled in comparison to The Old Dark House.

July 3

• Toy Story 3 (2010) – One of the most enjoyable animated films I’ve seen in a while (Lion King was sweet, but it had singing).  It was no masterpiece of cinema, but it was still very well done, entertaining and even fairly epic.

July 2

• The Bitter Tea of General Yen (1933) - A really strange, beautiful and surprisingly transgressive pre-code Capra film.  It was unfortunate that the lead was played by a Caucasian (though the yellowface makeup was pretty good), but it was a testament to the film’s power that it was so affecting anyway.

To those who stuck around for the whole Choir Class Spinoff Crossover Special, this is the post you’ve been waiting for.  What, you didn’t think I’d do a crossover special without a jock blog did  you?  Well this isn’t just any Jock Blog, this is Jock Blog as told by Chet’s fecal-centric friend Chris.  As Chet tells it: “even though he can be a little wierd [sic] about shiting [sic], Chris can also be pretty awesome about shiting [sic].”  But enough about Chet, let’s let Chris tell the story about just where all those wadded up balls of wet tissue paper came from, and how they ended up on top of Khaine’s cape in its ceiling tile hiding place!

Friday, November 17th

its been a good week for shitting.  and not just because i founded the top box theater.  see finding out we could get in the ceiling tiles over the bathrooms got me thinking of other shitpranks to do.  see i already never flush when i brick at school but ive been looking for a new idea to make that prank better.  at home i flush of course.  my mom is kind of a clean freak and shut that shit down when I was a kid.  anyway I got my new shitprank idea from my nephew.  see a while ago my 3 year old nephew deuced in our toilet.  everyone was all upset cause he forgot to flush and they noticed there was no toilet paper in the toilet.  he said he was in a hurry and didnt need to wipe.  then he got a lecture about shitting from my mom and sister.  but it got me thinking.

i realized my genius nephew had just given me the missing piece to my normal not flushing prank.  see no one wants to see a turdshot shotgun blast in a public toilet.  but i dont need to tell you that.  but what if you also saw that there was no toilet paper in the bowl.  a lot of people would lose their shit once they had stopped to think about it.  because that means that the nasty fucker who left a bowl full of chocolate butt nuts is also walking around with mud ass.

so all week ive been leaving mystery shits in the toilets.  at first i wasnt sure what to do with the shit wipings.  i was going to keep them in my backpack.  but my mom got pissed last time i brought home a shitpack. the ceiling tiles solved that problem.  I just saved all my wipings in a pile on the floor and then stood on the back of my toilet and threw them over onto the ceiling tiles of the next room.

i watched some spy show once about how spies corral their targets to where they want them.  so I broke the doors off all the stalls but one.  no one wants to drop an ass nugget with their dongelberries hanging out.  so everyone is going to have to use my defile-cated stall. then ive just been doing nothing but eating fig newtons swallowing corn whole and leaving mystery shits in the main toilet all week.

ive been using the bathroom by the auditorium not the lunch room of course.  you dont shit where you topbox.  its going pretty well so far.  i havent seen anyone see one of my mystery shits but im sure half the school is in a panic over who the phantom shitter is.  ive even thought about breaking into my emergency shipocalypse shitbox i keep under my bed.  but i havent yet.  when the time is right to use that shitbox ill know it.

that ceiling tile ive been throwing all my wipings on already had a black sheet laying on it when I started.  they are starting to pile up but I figure that sheet will keep the smell out of whatever class is below it.  but im running out of room on the sheet.  i figure i got a few more weeks of this before i need to find somewhere else to keep my wipings.

its a lot of work but its worth it.  i always thought my pranks needed more subtlety.  and this is like wham corn snake when the open the stall door.  which is funny but not subtle.  but then it hits you. wham no toilet paper in the bowl. which is funny and also subtle.  and that. as they say. is where i get ya.

anyway i have to go now.  no not a turd alert.  i need to get to the top box theater for the lunchtime rush before the guys eat all the nutty bars.  should be a nice way to end a week of good shitting.  it also looks like this might be the first week in a long time where no one ended up getting a face full of shit.  which I’m not sure if I’m glad or disappointed about that. its always funny when that happens but its also always kind of gross.  especially if it happens to you.

11:35 AM

That’s it for my 200th blog post Choir Class Spinoff Crossover special!  Hope you enjoyed it, and I promise, the next Jock Blog will be slightly less “poo-centric”!